I am a dad. I will always be a dad. I love my kids no matter what. The moment they each were born, I fell in love with them and will love them until my dying breath.
The problem is, my kids don’t want me to be a regular part of their lives right now. They are hurt. They are wounded. They are embarassed.
I haven’t spoken to my two oldest kids in over a year. They refuse to speak to me…they refuse to see me…they refuse to interact with me at all. They are both in high school and they have basically chosen to write me out of their lives.
My youngest kid didn’t want to see me at the beginning of this year…then he let me back into his life for several months…and now he doesn’t want to see me again. I think it hurts him too much and he’s too embarassed by me.
I can’t tell you how much hurt I have experienced in the past year because of my estrangement from my kids. It is a pain that just won’t go away. And no matter how hard I try to change things, I can’t. Nothing works. So I am forced to let go and ride this out. My counselor told me a year ago that it could take 10 years for my kids to come around. I just didn’t know that it would be so painful in the process.
I have cried a lot over all of this. It’s a horrible feeling to be so completely rejected by your kids. I know that part of this is because of past mistakes I made with them. Part of this is them punishing me because they are so hurt. Part of this is their faith, which tells them that I am a huge sinner. Part of this is their mom, who is letting them make their own choices about how they relate to me. It’s one big giant painful mess and this is, by far, the worst part about my journey in the past year. A large piece of my heart has been torn away from me and there is nothing that can heal that pain right now.
Some might chide me and say, “Was it worth losing your kids in order to gain this new sinful lifestyle you now have?” That way of thinking is ridiculous. I didn’t choose between my kids and my sexuality. I had to choose life over death. My former way of life was killing me and I had to make changes in order finally to begin to live. It’s just that the cost of life and wholeness and health ended up being my kids…at least for now. I trust that over time, we will be able to work through all of this and have some sort of relationship in the future.
I desperately miss my kids. I can’t write any more right now or I’m going to break down into tears. So I just have to say that this loss is far more painful than I ever imagined.