Posts Tagged ‘attraction’

When I got married, I made a committment to my wife:  I committed to love her until death do us part.  I planned to grow old together.  I planned on working through any issues that we had.  I figured with God on our side and if we depended on Him, we could have a successful, life-long marriage.  I had decided that divorce would never be an option.

Yet in May of this year, my divorce was finalized.  I remember how I felt when I got an email from her saying that she had received notification that the divorce was final:  I actually got tears in my eyes.  It’s not that I still wanted to be with my now ex-wife…it’s that I was just so sad to have gone through it all.  I was sad that it didn’t work.  I was sad that I had gone against everything that I had believed at one time.  And I felt the sting of the finality of it all.  I am now a divorced man…something I never thought I would be.

And things haven’t gone the way that I had hoped they would.  Yeah, I know, I often see things through rose-colored glasses.  I really believed that my ex and I would be able to have an adult friendship after the divorce.  I really believed that she would know that I would never intentionally screw her.  I really believed that we would be able to have as “normal” of a relationship as is possible for two people who are divorced.  And…it just isn’t that way right now.  I left almost 11 months ago and things are still very shaky between us.  I hope that at some point in the future, all of those things that I believed will actually be true.

In no way do I regret getting divorced.  It had to happen and probably should have happened years ago.  I cannot be who she needs in a husband.  We really should have never gotten married.  In fact, I remember laying in bed on my honeymoon…just days after getting married…and thinking, “Oh my God, what have I done?”  I really should not have married her in the first place.  I should have been brave enough to listen to what my gut was saying…”you’re gay…this isn’t going to work!”  But that’s all water under the bridge now.  I am glad that our marriage is over because it was so unhealthy for so long.  I don’t miss being in a relationship where I was so unhappy. 

But…going through the divorce was still very painful.  We were together for 20 years.  We had kids together.  We were part of the fabric of each other’s lives for nearly half of my life.  And that is now over.  You can’t go through that without feeling pain and loss.  A part of me is dead and gone.  And despite moving on into a new relationship, that old part of me will never be replaced because she was the one that I had kids with…and that is a very powerful emotional attachment.

For me, divorce has been very bittersweet.  It’s been good and it’s been bad.  It had to happen and it is still incredibly sad.  I should have never gotten married to her…but we shared some very important years together.    B  i  t  t  e  r  s  w  e  e  t. 

Again, I am living with the tension and this is my reality. 

And believe it or not, I will always love her.

So I mentioned in previous posts that I am in a new relationship.  I just have to say that I am SO blown away at how easy this relationship is.  Like…easier than any relationship I’ve ever been in.  Maybe it’s the nature of the man I love…maybe it’s just easy to be in a relationship with a man since I’m gay…probably it’s both.  All I know is that it is very easy to be in a relationship with a man.

The media makes gay relationships to be all about sex and living a wild lifestyle.  But I’m proud to say that my life now is fairly normal and boring…and hardly explicit.  My man and I eat dinner by candlelight and have a great time talking together every evening.  We go on walks in the evening and dream of our future home.  We look forward to living in a house so we can get a couple of dogs.  We take turns trying out new recipes on each other.  We look forward to hiking in our local mountains when Spring comes.  We love hanging out with friends…gay and straight…and actually tend to relate more with our straight friends.  Life for us is just like life for most other people.  That’s right…we’re normal.  And it’s easy to be normal.

What I love about our relationship is that there is a love and passion that are very deep.  And to have both of those combined into a single relationship is wonderful.  It brings a passion that binds us together in a way that is stronger than I’ve ever experienced before.  We don’t fight, though we are clearly two very different people.  We support each other, respect each other, and agree to disagree when needed.  Literally, this relationship takes no work because it all happens so naturally.  I never knew that a relationship could be so easy.

So I’m thankful.  I’m thankful to have a love that is fun, easy, caring, and natural.  It means the world to me and I hope that ease never changes!  Being with a man is wonderful and something that I should have pursued a long time ago.

ANOTHER Realization

Posted: December 18, 2010 in Uncategorized
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So I was laying in bed this morning and I realized something else.  Let me give a little background first…

In 4th grade, a friend of mine and I explored things sexually together.  Even at 9 years old, I thoroughly enjoyed what I was experiencing.  And as I got into Reparative Therapy, I pointed back to those experiences in 4th and 5th grade as the lynchpin to when everything started with my sexuality.  I believed that my unhealthy home life led me to a place where I was yearning for love…especially from men…and when the opportunity to explore with my friend came up, I welcomed it and it seared things into my mind that pointed me towards homosexuality.  And then when I hit puberty, that’s when I really found myself extremely attracted to other boys.

But that leads to my realization.  This morning when I was laying in bed, I remembered that I was attracted to men at an even younger age.  It may not have been sexual at the time, but I felt drawn to pictures of two different teen idols of the day.  I remember as far back as 2nd grade staring at pictures of…

David Cassidy

I used to listen to his music and swoon over him…just like the girls did.

And probably around 5th grade, I got all dreamy about…

Shaun Cassidy

Why would a young boy be drawn to pics and record covers of these two guys?  My only answer is that my sexuality was ingrained in my long before puberty.  My attraction to David Cassidy started BEFORE my experience with my friend.  I had this innate attraction to men that was going on in subtle ways from a very early age.

This realization this morning was extremely enlightening to me.  It has been hard for me to admit that my sexuality has “always” been a part of me, like many gay people say is true of their experience.  But I’m realizing that it really is true of me too.

I’ve been attracted to men for as long as I can remember!