Reflections Part 2: Divorce

Posted: November 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
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When I got married, I made a committment to my wife:  I committed to love her until death do us part.  I planned to grow old together.  I planned on working through any issues that we had.  I figured with God on our side and if we depended on Him, we could have a successful, life-long marriage.  I had decided that divorce would never be an option.

Yet in May of this year, my divorce was finalized.  I remember how I felt when I got an email from her saying that she had received notification that the divorce was final:  I actually got tears in my eyes.  It’s not that I still wanted to be with my now ex-wife…it’s that I was just so sad to have gone through it all.  I was sad that it didn’t work.  I was sad that I had gone against everything that I had believed at one time.  And I felt the sting of the finality of it all.  I am now a divorced man…something I never thought I would be.

And things haven’t gone the way that I had hoped they would.  Yeah, I know, I often see things through rose-colored glasses.  I really believed that my ex and I would be able to have an adult friendship after the divorce.  I really believed that she would know that I would never intentionally screw her.  I really believed that we would be able to have as “normal” of a relationship as is possible for two people who are divorced.  And…it just isn’t that way right now.  I left almost 11 months ago and things are still very shaky between us.  I hope that at some point in the future, all of those things that I believed will actually be true.

In no way do I regret getting divorced.  It had to happen and probably should have happened years ago.  I cannot be who she needs in a husband.  We really should have never gotten married.  In fact, I remember laying in bed on my honeymoon…just days after getting married…and thinking, “Oh my God, what have I done?”  I really should not have married her in the first place.  I should have been brave enough to listen to what my gut was saying…”you’re gay…this isn’t going to work!”  But that’s all water under the bridge now.  I am glad that our marriage is over because it was so unhealthy for so long.  I don’t miss being in a relationship where I was so unhappy. 

But…going through the divorce was still very painful.  We were together for 20 years.  We had kids together.  We were part of the fabric of each other’s lives for nearly half of my life.  And that is now over.  You can’t go through that without feeling pain and loss.  A part of me is dead and gone.  And despite moving on into a new relationship, that old part of me will never be replaced because she was the one that I had kids with…and that is a very powerful emotional attachment.

For me, divorce has been very bittersweet.  It’s been good and it’s been bad.  It had to happen and it is still incredibly sad.  I should have never gotten married to her…but we shared some very important years together.    B  i  t  t  e  r  s  w  e  e  t. 

Again, I am living with the tension and this is my reality. 

And believe it or not, I will always love her.

  1. Sean says:

    Even though I’m happily married, I fear going through what happened to you. One question though: can you really look at your children’s faces and say that you never should have married her? Don’t get me wrong, I know what you are saying. But are their lives a mistake?

  2. singlemom78 says:

    It’s refreshing to hear the tenderness in your writing. You love her, just not the way you need to.
    It has got to be even more difficult dealing with the divorce and coming out at the same time. Hugs.

  3. Mark Reneau says:

    The current relationship with your former wife is not what you want it to be, but with the passage of time, things will probably get better. That goes for your kids, as well. Everybody needs time, and lots of it. Work on yourself right now and try to keep your optimism afloat; it will pay off. All the best!

  4. I hope things are at least starting to be better with your ex and kids. I still love my wife too, although she isn’t experiencing that right now. Everything is rocked. Everything is spiraling out of our control. She says she can’t believe this is really her life. I can’t either. Am I going to wake up?

    • Pastor Chris says:

      At some point, there will have to be a life-shift for you…either splitting from your wife or choosing to go back in the closet. Treading water only lasts so long because of the pain it causes both of you. When that shift happens and movement takes place, life will get better and worse! Then it will get better and true awakening will happen for both of you. But it will feel like a dream as long as you tread water.

    • Pastor Chris says:

      And remember, coaching is available!

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