I have to be honest with you…I have really been up and down lately.  My emotions are up one day and down the next.  I don’t know what to do with it all.  I guess it is to be expected.  I mean, really…I’m kinda going through a lot right now!  It feels like I am riding a seesaw of emotions!

You may have guessed from my “Niche” post that I was feeling pretty good earlier this week.  Sunday’s service with my new church was extremely fulfilling and I felt the blessing of God in a huge way.  I was feeling energized and exited about the future.  I felt freedom in being myself and connecting with the people of our church in a very authentic way.  It just felt so good!

But things came crashing down as I got into this week.  My evenings this week have been very discouraging at home.  It’s hard not feeling welcome in your own home!  There has been a deep silence between my wife and I and that just compounded the alienation I have already been feeling with my kids.  Yesterday was a particularly “down” day for me emotionally.  I can’t begin to communicate the despair I was feeling.  The hurt and rejection I feel from my family runs deeps.  I was starting to question whether there would ever be healing in my relationship with my kids.  I wondered why they feel so hurt so as to feel the need to completely distance themselves from me.  I was feeling discouraged about job opportunities.  And all this week I have been feeling like I can’t do this “double life” thing much longer.

I think that is what is really getting to me.  I have wonderful glimpses of my future life from time to time.  But then I get forced back into the closet…back into conservatism…back into hiding…back into dishonesty…back into having to fit into a mold of constantly proving my value at my old church…and all of that crushes me.  I am getting to the point that I just want to scream, “I’m done!  I can’t do this anymore!  The box you are all trying to fit me into is squeezing the life out of me!”

I know that all of this points to the fact that the end of this period in my life is quickly coming to an end.  I will have to take the next step soon, one way or another, or I will literally go mad.  I cannot keep my world together as it is much longer.  I will be forced out of the closet and into my new life because I will be unable to keep up the charade.

Up and down.

The pressure is building.

Relief MUST happen soon.

 

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Comments
  1. Jack Scott says:

    I wish I had answers for you. I don’t.

    You’re kids are upset with you because the perceive you to be destroying their lives and to be upsetting their mother.

    You’re upset with yourself because the future is so uncertain for you.

    About all you can do is keeping putting one foot in front of the other and keep on walking down the path. Don’t forget to pray openly to God about your needs and the needs of your family.

    Jack Scott

  2. Ron says:

    As a former pastor, I think that clarity as to what your gifts and interests are can help a lot in the job search. I had the benefit of some time to look around before the transition. Blessings.

  3. cherylble says:

    Hi, Pastor Chris ~

    Thank you for sharing such an open and honest blog. Know that I wish I could jump through this computer screen and give you a huge hug. What you are going through is sure to be fraught with tough moments, emotion and and challenges as you seek God’s will for your ministry, your family and yourself. You are loved and while the day-to-day rejection can be tough to see in humans, know that you are called, you have been given talents and your life will impact many. God uses humans, even who feel weak, to accomplish His greater good. That’s why it’s about His glory and not ours.

    May you find comfort and relief in these days & weeks ahead.

  4. Michael Bush says:

    Chris,
    I pray release and relief for you. When I feel alone I wish someone could download into my brain/heart the truth that I am not. ever. And I wish I could do that for you right now.

    I love you, my friend,
    Michael

  5. Paul says:

    Hey we are praying for you. We are all on that see-saw. I am just at a high point now, but I know I won’t stay up there always. Hang in there, Chris, you will go flying up soon enough!

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