I have to be honest with you…I have really been up and down lately. My emotions are up one day and down the next. I don’t know what to do with it all. I guess it is to be expected. I mean, really…I’m kinda going through a lot right now! It feels like I am riding a seesaw of emotions!
You may have guessed from my “Niche” post that I was feeling pretty good earlier this week. Sunday’s service with my new church was extremely fulfilling and I felt the blessing of God in a huge way. I was feeling energized and exited about the future. I felt freedom in being myself and connecting with the people of our church in a very authentic way. It just felt so good!
But things came crashing down as I got into this week. My evenings this week have been very discouraging at home. It’s hard not feeling welcome in your own home! There has been a deep silence between my wife and I and that just compounded the alienation I have already been feeling with my kids. Yesterday was a particularly “down” day for me emotionally. I can’t begin to communicate the despair I was feeling. The hurt and rejection I feel from my family runs deeps. I was starting to question whether there would ever be healing in my relationship with my kids. I wondered why they feel so hurt so as to feel the need to completely distance themselves from me. I was feeling discouraged about job opportunities. And all this week I have been feeling like I can’t do this “double life” thing much longer.
I think that is what is really getting to me. I have wonderful glimpses of my future life from time to time. But then I get forced back into the closet…back into conservatism…back into hiding…back into dishonesty…back into having to fit into a mold of constantly proving my value at my old church…and all of that crushes me. I am getting to the point that I just want to scream, “I’m done! I can’t do this anymore! The box you are all trying to fit me into is squeezing the life out of me!”
I know that all of this points to the fact that the end of this period in my life is quickly coming to an end. I will have to take the next step soon, one way or another, or I will literally go mad. I cannot keep my world together as it is much longer. I will be forced out of the closet and into my new life because I will be unable to keep up the charade.
Up and down.
The pressure is building.
Relief MUST happen soon.