The past few weeks have been really rough.  About two weeks ago today, my wife took a stab at me publicly and that really hurt.  The same day, I found out that my daughter is now pissed at me and doesn’t want me to speak with her (just like my oldest son).  Honestly, I blew a cork.  I was so hurt and so angry.  After all, I have been bending over backwards, trying very hard to do right by my family in this situation.  And now, it feels like I just keep getting “punished” for everything that is going on.  I decided that I am done being hurt by my family.  I told my wife that I was done and that I will be taking drastic steps to move on as soon as possible.

Things have cooled down since then but the hurt kept me in a lot of emotional darkness for a good week.  But needless to say, life at my house isn’t very friendly right now.

But this weekend, I had a revelation.  I think I have finally come to a place where I am able to let go.

I think it has taken all of the pain, especially the pain of the past couple of weeks, to bring me to a place where I am able to let go and move on.  I have a feeling that God has been trying to pry my clenched fists open!  I have been trying so hard to have some sort of normalcy at home…to still be a family…to hold tightly to all that I know…and holding that tightly had to come to an end.  I can’t move on with my life is I’m holding tightly to my old life.  I think God used the hurt I’ve now experienced with my family to help me to let go so that I can move on.

Now don’t get me wrong…I still love my family.  My kids will always be my kids and I look forward to a better relationship with them in the future.  But I think I needed to let go now so that it would make it easier for me to take the steps forward that I have needed to take.

Plus, the last couple of weeks have been very difficult at my church.  There is a lot of pettiness and legalism going on.  That, too, has brought me to a place where I know I need to let go there as well.  I need to move on.  I need to be in a different type of ministry setting.  I can let go and move on.

So I am letting go.  I am ready to take the big steps of faith I need to take to move on into the future.  I wish it didn’t take so much hurt to cause me to let go.  But I guess God will use whatever He needs to in order to get my attention and help me to move.

So thanks, God!

 

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Adam says:

    Remember that for every crucifixion, there is resurrection. Wishing you peace in this transition, brother.

  2. Buddy Bear says:

    I think your instincts are right on: “holding tightly to my old life” is making everything worse, especially since that old life does not exist anymore and never will. Some space and time are needed for healing… and you just need to have faith that eventually, your children will be accepting of you.

    I am confident that your “new life” will be a much happier place for everyone.

  3. Jack Scott says:

    I see no other choice than to let go of your past life, so I’m glad you have come to see that as the right thing to do.

    It is such a wonderful thing to be on the mountain top with God and to absolutely know that you are attuned to his will. It is so frustrating to be in the valley and not know for sure whether God is even around.

    I’ve had my mountain top experiences. And even when I’m not on the top of the mountain, I see the blessings of God all around me. I make it a point to try to hold on to all that when I’m in the valley and struggling. I hope you can do something similar.

    I have no idea why God has chosen this path for you. You just have to have the faith to know that He does. Some of my friends who have been patiently struggling have recently begun to see the reward. I hope yours is near.

    Best wishes.

    Jack Scott

  4. Adam says:

    I’m hoping you’re okay, friend. My own journey is different from yours, but I’ve put footprints on a similar path. I’m reaching out if you want to talk, IM, Google+ chat, or email…send me a note.

  5. Alex Haiken says:

    Chris, you are not alone. I am a Jewish-Christian gay man (yup, all three!) who many years ago integrated my rich Christian faith with my sexuality. As you are quite well aware, nearly every person who acknowledges an aversion to homosexuality does so on the basis of what he or she believes the Bible has to say. In their mind, there is no doubt whatsoever about what the Bible says and what the Bible means. Their general argument goes something like this: Homosexuality is an abomination and the homosexual is a sinner. Homosexuality is condemned in both the Old and New Testaments. Therefore, if we are to be faithful to the clear teachings of Scripture we too must condemn homosexuality. Needless to say, this premise is being widely debated among evangelicals today and seriously challenged by biblical scholars, theologians and religious leaders everywhere. The result: increasingly people are becoming aware that when the few passages of Scripture that generally get appealed to in this debate are examined more closely and fully, in the historical and cultural context, they simply do not hold up to scrutiny.

    Since I speak and write on this very topic, perhaps you might find some of these posts of interest.

    -Alex Haiken
    http://JewishChristianGay.wordpress.com

  6. Paul says:

    How is letting go going? Often it is near impossible to do so totally, but I hope you have made a good start. And I hope your relationships with the kids will be restored, even as you develop a new ministry and new friends.

  7. toujoursdan says:

    Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Chris. It won’t always be like this.

  8. Davo says:

    wheweee! rough stuff!

    Know that people are praying for you

  9. Rob says:

    Chris, I was an ordained evangelical minister for many years. I am also bi and out to my wife. You need a friend… how do I reach you???

  10. We just started a blog to support gay teens and adults. We’re hoping to get hundreds of stories and positive messages from both the straight and gay communities. I wish there were some comforting words there for you at this time, but we’re so new that we’ve had no comments yet. If you would like to stop by and share your story for someone else dealing with the same issues, you can find us at 318originals.blogspot.com.

    I hope things get easier for you very soon.

  11. Geoffrey says:

    letting go of the past in order to move on is a positive gesture but it is also very vital that you correct the past to pave way for the future. You mentioned how you love your kids so much, i want you to know that someone was with you before those kids came along. If you put things right with that person, the love for your kids just becomes natural. Your partner should always be your number one and all others secodary.

    • Adam says:

      I’m not sure what this previous commenter, Geoffrey, means by those words. Looks pretty hurtful to me. Maybe Geoffrey hasn’t read through more recent postings. Blessings on the journey to wholeness, Pastor Chris.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s