Dammit…I need a breakthrough! Like…now! I need it ASAP. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel like walls have been built up all around me, keeping me from being able to move in any direction. But there has got to be a breakthrough soon!
It’s Friday night. My wife and I just had a very difficult emotional talk. She’s at the end of her rope. I’m doing the best I can with mine. My oldest son is done. We have to have a change soon!
A commenter on my last post said that it’s probably time for me to move out. Yeah…I know! The problem is that moving out then brings my youngest son into the knowledge of what is going on (he doesn’t know yet) and I can’t trust him not to say anything at church. WE ARE STUCK BECAUSE I AM A PASTOR AT A CHURCH WHERE I HAVE TO HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF A GOOD CHRISTIAN FAMILY IN ORDER TO KEEP MY JOB!!!!! There is no room for any chink in my armor. If I could move out now and help all of us to begin the process to heal, I would! But I can’t. Sure, it would be a difficult thing financially. But imagine if I had NO INCOME. That’s why this situation is so very difficult.
My wife said to me tonight, “I don’t think you know how difficult this is for me.” She’s right…I probably don’t. And at the same time, she has no clue how much pressure I am under. I have to go to work everyday as a pastor and act like everything is fine in my life. I have to deal with crap on the job and then come home and deal with all of the pressure here. I have to deal with the fact that I currently have ZERO prospects for a new job. I have to deal with the pressure of a wife who is reminding me that I gotta be gone and have a new job by the end of the year. I have to deal with the fact that my oldest son hates me. And I have to try to keep sane enough to live my life, start a new church, and begin new relationships that will be with me in the future. And when she says, “You might want to invest in your other son a little more now so you don’t lose him like you did our oldest son,” I want to scream! Cuz guess what? I’ve got NOTHING to give! I’ve got more pressure on me right now than I’ve ever had in my life!
Oh…and did I mention how I feel like The Church has let me down? And how I feel like God has let me down? And how I feel like the only reason I’m in this place where I am right now is because I believed everything that well-intentioned Christians told me and I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing for God???? I drank the kool-aid! Yeah, I feel a little disillusioned with God and Christianity right now.
But I’m trying really hard to redefine my faith through all of this.
So yeah…I need a breakthrough right now…really badly!
Sorry to vent.