Dammit…I need a breakthrough!  Like…now!  I need it ASAP.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  I feel like walls have been built up all around me, keeping me from being able to move in any direction.  But there has got to be a breakthrough soon!

It’s Friday night.  My wife and I just had a very difficult emotional talk.  She’s at the end of her rope.  I’m doing the best I can with mine.  My oldest son is done.  We have to have a change soon!

A commenter on my last post said that it’s probably time for me to move out.  Yeah…I know!  The problem is that moving out then brings my youngest son into the knowledge of what is going on (he doesn’t know yet) and I can’t trust him not to say anything at church.  WE ARE STUCK BECAUSE I AM A PASTOR AT A CHURCH WHERE I HAVE TO HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF A GOOD CHRISTIAN FAMILY IN ORDER TO KEEP MY JOB!!!!!  There is no room for any chink in my armor.  If I could move out now and help all of us to begin the process to heal, I would!  But I can’t.  Sure, it would be a difficult thing financially.  But imagine if I had NO INCOME.  That’s why this situation is so very difficult.

My wife said to me tonight, “I don’t think you know how difficult this is for me.”  She’s right…I probably don’t.  And at the same time, she has no clue how much pressure I am under.  I have to go to work everyday as a pastor and act like everything is fine in my life.  I have to deal with crap on the job and then come home and deal with all of the pressure here.  I have to deal with the fact that I currently have ZERO prospects for a new job.  I have to deal with the pressure of a wife who is reminding me that I gotta be gone and have a new job by the end of the year.  I have to deal with the fact that my oldest son hates me.  And I have to try to keep sane enough to live my life, start a new church, and begin new relationships that will be with me in the future.  And when she says, “You might want to invest in your other son a little more now so you don’t lose him like you did our oldest son,”  I want to scream!  Cuz guess what?  I’ve got NOTHING to give!  I’ve got more pressure on me right now than I’ve ever had in my life!

Oh…and did I mention how I feel like The Church has let me down?  And how I feel like God has let me down?  And how I feel like the only reason I’m in this place where I am right now is because I believed everything that well-intentioned Christians told me and I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing for God????  I drank the kool-aid!  Yeah, I feel a little disillusioned with God and Christianity right now.

But I’m trying really hard to redefine my faith through all of this.

So yeah…I need a breakthrough right now…really badly!

Sorry to vent.

 

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Comments
  1. Ron says:

    As to the feeling of being forced to live a facade – I experienced that too. My exwife threatened to tell church members about my affairs. My only affairs were lust in my heart, but gossip about being the pastor being gay would have been the main dish at the next church supper!

    I decided to out myself pre emptively to three church people and get ahead of the story. That was a week to remember! Bill and Hillary Clinton were a good role model (in an odd way). Somehow he kept his sense of dignity, so people will treat you as you treat yourself. I did a whole sermon on gay marriage and got overwhelmingly good reviews (and 3 passionate bad ones). Finally, the church generally decided that he’s not a bad pastor although he does have a ‘thing’ about gays. Well, they didn’t like my messages on tithing either 🙂

    I guess my basic reflection is that God loves us more than we know so expect grace even in the hardest moments.

  2. Chris Guelbert says:

    First of all, sorry to hear you are going through all of this. In one way or another, we all have been there in some form or other. As far as your other son, he probably knows something is going on in the house. He and his older brother have probably touched on it in one form or the other. He is just afraid to say anything. As far as the appearance of a “good Christian” etc. You still are all of those things, however, the church is going to find out one way or another. That’s why coming out is so diffcult, everyone knows your business. I would suggest speaking with a LGBT friendly counselor if you haven’t already. It will help you sort through all this “stuff” and help you decide on how to take each step to get through it. Right now, you are feeling overwhelmed because it is all a “huge mess”. In order for you to be happy, unfortunately other people have to be unhappy. That is the paradox in all of this that was difficult for me to deal with. I am from a Southern Baptist background. However, one thing I did learn is that the grace of God got me through it all, and continues to cover me everyday now that it is all done and over. You will find people more forgiving and honest with you once you put it all out there. My son and I are now closer than before my coming out. He is an amazing kid- age 19. My daughter age 21 struggles still and is uncomfortable. Will be thinking of you this weekend.

  3. Jack Scott says:

    And some people (mostly Christians) still insist that being gay is a choice! How sad. Why would anyone choose the pain and despair that you are enduring?

    I don’t know if anything I’ve blogged about might help you or not, but you’re certainly welcome to look at http://JackScottsBisexualBuddies.blogspot.com

    The blog is aimed at bisexual and gay married men. Unfortunately, in my many years of experience with married men who are in fact gay, divorce is more often than not the right answer. That does not mean it is a painless answer, but it can lead to letting the wounds scab over and begin to heal. I have personal friends for whom this has been true.

    My best friend, got all to close to suicide and ended up under the care of a physician for his depression when he was in your situation. He hated to leave his 3 young kids. He felt that staying in the marriage was the right thing to do for them. And then some words of wisdom from his youngest who was not yet a teen ager caused him to see that he needed to go.

    He ended up walking away from everything he owned with just the clothes on his back. Five years have passed and he’s happy for the first time in his life, living with a gay partner. He has a new job where he is valued and respected. In the end his 3 kids and his own siblings and parents all came to support him. Walking away was the hardest thing he ever did, but it was the right thing.

    You need to find the right thing for you and those you love and then find the courage to do it. There is no way to do it without pain. You can only look forward to a time when the pain will become much less burdensome. In every case I know personally, that time has come.

    In your case, your being gay will cost you not only your family but your job in a time when jobs are not easy to come by. There is no easy answer to that.

    That you question God and your faith is easy to understand, yet God is there and somehow there is redemption for all of you. I pray that He leads you to it.

  4. Adam says:

    So sorry for your pain, pastorchris. I’m a pastor who’s been through a divorce, and I know it’s incredibly difficult to have your family in such turmoil. You’re trying to do what’s right and good. There’s just no promise that it will be easy, or even well-received. I pray for your peace. Keep venting here as you need to. We readers can be the friends you need, or at least the next best thing.

  5. Birdie says:

    Pastorchris, I have linked here through a blogger friend of mine. I notice that several of my friends have commented here. My heart aches for you in your turmoil.

    I cannot address from personal experience what you are going through, with the exception of your oldest son. My son, now 19, hated me with a passion when he was going through some very hard times a few years ago. At one point he calmly told me he wished I was dead. I was frightened of his anger. While we reeled from his violent behavior and vitriol, my constant response to him was “No matter what, I love you. No matter what.” Many times it was the only thing I was sure was the right thing to do. He’s okay now, at peace and in control of his future. He told me not long ago that through all of that terrible time, he did know we loved him. It made a difference.

    While you want to honor your son’s desire for some space and time to adjust to the new and changing circumstances, keep telling him you love him. He’ll hear you, even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

    The only thing you control are your own actions. Everyone else will choose what they will. Let go. It’s time to fully become the man God made you to be, not the man everyone else wants you to be. Change is going to be hard on everyone. Acknowledge that, but I urge you not to apologize to anyone but your family, whose lives are affected. You are not responsible for how others feel about homosexuality and you have no control over what you were born to be. You are not making a mistake now; you are correcting a mistake you made years ago, one born of fear and cultural bias. Your firmness and calm demeanor will lead others in their response to this “new” person they think they do not know. I pray for your peace, Pastorchris.

    Birdie

  6. I am so afraid of the joblessness… I totally relate. Pastor career for 16 years. When we talked on Twitter a while ago you talked about taking five years to “reinvent” yourself. I think that’s what I will have to do too, if I continue down this path. Who will hire me? Ugh.

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