Hurting

Posted: July 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I’m really hurting right now.  I’m seriously so discouraged and hurt that I don’t even know what to do.

First of all, I feel stuck.  I can’t get an interview for anything.  No matter how many jobs I apply for, not one will even call me back.  And remember, without a new job, I don’t move on in life!  So I sit here…hoping and praying that SOMEONE will give me a chance at a new job.  My whole family is penalized because I’m a pastor!  We have to continue to live under the same roof…tons of tension going on…because I’m a pastor.  I can’t come out as a pastor and keep my job.  But no one will hire a guy who has been a pastor for 17 years.  So I’m stuck in this fricken place with no opportunity!

On top of that, I found out this week that my oldest son really hates me.  I knew he was mad at me.  I knew he had resentment for me.  But I didn’t know the depth of the resentment.  It’s so deep that he has started seeing a counselor.  I wrote an email to the counselor yesterday, expressing that I love my son and will do anything to restore our relationship.  Here is just an excerpt of the email I received back from the counselor.  It was actually written while my son was in her office:

“What your son has asked me to communicate is that at this time, he needs the following from you:

1.) Space
2.) No confrontations
3.) No engagement whatsoever

By doing the above, you are respecting and honoring his wishes which is important if there is ever to be a relationship further down the road. He has also let me know that if/when the above list changes, he will let you know.”

No engagement whatsoever.  That means that I am not to speak with him other than “hello”, “good morning”, or “goodnight”.  And I loved the part that said “…IF there is ever to be a relationship further down the road”.  Wow.  I can’t tell you how much I am hurting from all of this.  “If”.  What a sucky word.  All of the power has been taken from me and I am just supposed to sit around and let him work through things in hopes that someday he will speak with me again.  I am seriously cut to the core.

This morning my wife got frustrated that I walked into our bedroom while she was changing.  She doesn’t want me to see her naked.  We’ve been married for 19 years and I’ve seen her naked every day for that many years but now everything has changed!  I get it that things have changed…but really?  Now it’s all about modesty?  Like I’m a guest in the house???

And that’s how I feel.  I feel like a guest.  Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad guy…the enemy.

All I wanted to do was get healthy emotionally!  All I wanted to do was stop the hurt in our household and live from an authentic place.  And now I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world.

It just all hurts…really badly.

 

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Comments
  1. Ron says:

    Hi Chris

    I’m late 50’s and left parish ministry a year ago. I understand your fear of the journey. If I can help, please write me and we can set up a time to talk. Our stories are not exactly the same but the suffragan bishop did tell me 5 times yesterday in a public meeting that I don’t have Christian responses. I guess these things train us in humility.

  2. Paul says:

    Hey Chris, I am praying for you that God will give you the grace to withstand all these difficulties. Plus that He will help you find that job soon! And I can relate to the issue with your son. Mine is seeing a counselor and had not communicated with me for 18 months, but finally sent an e-mail – wanting money, of course. But at least it is a start – some communication. But I don’t live with him or my wife anymore, so I can only imagine the challenges you have at home. God bless.

  3. Chris Guelbert says:

    As much as this is going to hurt you, I would recommend moving out of the house. There is too much tension going on in the household, and a separation will do you and your family good. I know your resources may be limited, but there are other options, and you need to think outside the box. Perhaps there is an understanding relative who will let you stay with them for awhile, or a trusted friend. Good luck.

  4. Mack says:

    First of all, it will get better. If we are serious about our faith, then at the center of that faith is hope, and not necessarily just eschatological. Someone will hire you. Any job wants someone with experience and that is something you have.

    Secondly, this is not just about you and your issues. This is about your family’s issues as well. I think that was not the best advice from your son’s counselor. A good counselor should know to treat the whole family and work on connections, not trying to isolate members of the family from one another. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!'” Sound familiar?

    Having said that, divorces and separations are necessary at times. It really depends on what’s best for everyone, including you!

  5. Oh my God. This is terrifying. At least my two older kids know I’m gay and I think we have a really good relationship… Of course I don’t think they know how seriously I am thinking of divorcing their mom. 😦

    • Pastor Chris says:

      Wow…when I saw your comment, I went back and read that post. My heart started to race again because that was such a traumatic time. It was horrible. And while things aren’t “horrible” anymore, they certainly aren’t good. And that’s nearly 5 years since I wrote that post!

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