I’m really hurting right now. I’m seriously so discouraged and hurt that I don’t even know what to do.
First of all, I feel stuck. I can’t get an interview for anything. No matter how many jobs I apply for, not one will even call me back. And remember, without a new job, I don’t move on in life! So I sit here…hoping and praying that SOMEONE will give me a chance at a new job. My whole family is penalized because I’m a pastor! We have to continue to live under the same roof…tons of tension going on…because I’m a pastor. I can’t come out as a pastor and keep my job. But no one will hire a guy who has been a pastor for 17 years. So I’m stuck in this fricken place with no opportunity!
On top of that, I found out this week that my oldest son really hates me. I knew he was mad at me. I knew he had resentment for me. But I didn’t know the depth of the resentment. It’s so deep that he has started seeing a counselor. I wrote an email to the counselor yesterday, expressing that I love my son and will do anything to restore our relationship. Here is just an excerpt of the email I received back from the counselor. It was actually written while my son was in her office:
“What your son has asked me to communicate is that at this time, he needs the following from you:
By doing the above, you are respecting and honoring his wishes which is important if there is ever to be a relationship further down the road. He has also let me know that if/when the above list changes, he will let you know.”
No engagement whatsoever. That means that I am not to speak with him other than “hello”, “good morning”, or “goodnight”. And I loved the part that said “…IF there is ever to be a relationship further down the road”. Wow. I can’t tell you how much I am hurting from all of this. “If”. What a sucky word. All of the power has been taken from me and I am just supposed to sit around and let him work through things in hopes that someday he will speak with me again. I am seriously cut to the core.
This morning my wife got frustrated that I walked into our bedroom while she was changing. She doesn’t want me to see her naked. We’ve been married for 19 years and I’ve seen her naked every day for that many years but now everything has changed! I get it that things have changed…but really? Now it’s all about modesty? Like I’m a guest in the house???
And that’s how I feel. I feel like a guest. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad guy…the enemy.
All I wanted to do was get healthy emotionally! All I wanted to do was stop the hurt in our household and live from an authentic place. And now I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world.
It just all hurts…really badly.