A little over a week ago, I had a totally gay day. Like…totally gay. My whole day was gay. It was my big fat gay day!
It was a Sunday and I had the day off from my church. I decided that I would go and visit our local Metropolitan Community Church. If you aren’t familiar with the MCC churches, they are a denomination whose main focus is reaching the gay community. I was told that I should try go and visit there at least one time, so I decided that this would be the day. Now this may seem funny, but I walked into that church and felt a bit out of place. You see, I have never been around so many gay people in my life! And that actually kinda freaked me out! There was a 70ish lesbian couple that sat a few rows in front of me cuddling through the whole service. There was a transgendered woman sitting across the aisle from me. And there were lots of gay couples and single gay men greeting each other with a “holy kiss”. There I was, the guy in the process of coming out of the closet, and I’m surrounded by a wide variety of gay people who are Christians, and I felt like a fish out of water. But I kept my cool, tried to learn from the experience, and participated in the service.
Now the interesting thing was the range of thoughts running through my head the whole time. I could write forever about the different observations and thoughts I had of the church but I won’t bore you with that. But I will say that the most interesting thing going through my head was that I was checking out the other men at the church and comparing myself to them. This is nothing new…I have compared myself to other men no matter where I go. For my whole life, I have compared myself to other men and ultimately felt “less than” in most cases. But I experienced something new that day. I looked at the other men in that church and for the first time, I felt “more than”. For the first time in my life, I felt more manly. I felt like more of a man than the other men there. And quite frankly, I didn’t know what to do with that. More on that in a minute.
Later that day, I went to my new church plant. We had some new people that day and both were lesbians. Honestly, I never been around lesbians at all so this whole lesbian thing that day was very new to me. Turns out, these gals are gospel singers! So spur of the moment, we end up having them sing a gospel duet at our little gathering. As they were singing, I sat there, again, with tons of thoughts going through my head. The overwhelming thought I had was, “Oh my gosh…where the heck am I? I’m sitting in a new church where I’m the pastor and two lesbians are singing country gospel. How the heck did I get here?”
It was, quite simply, a day with overwhelming new experiences. I am so new at all of this gay stuff!
So at the end of my big fat gay day, I had this feeling of uncertainty. Maybe it’s because all of this is so new. But I had this huge feeling that I just don’t know where I fit. I don’t totally fit in the “straight world” but I really don’t feel like I fit yet in the “gay world”. I feel in-between. I know that feeling will change over time as I get more accustomed to being around the greater gay community in our area. But for now, I just feel like I’m a wanderer. I don’t know where home is. I don’t want to feel “more than” or “less than”. I want to feel at home…like I belong…like it’s all comfortable.
I hope I feel that way soon.