I am not ok.
That’s it! I just realized it yesterday. That is the message that I have received for my whole life. It has never been ok for me to be me.
No wonder I have had such a difficult time. I have constantly been told that I am not ok by the most important voices in my life.
It all started with my parents. My dad is a total narcissist and it was constantly communicated to me that I needed to change, I was wrong, I don’t matter, etc. In my first 18 years of life living at home, the message kept coming to me that I was no good. In that sort of environment, why would I ever admit that I was gay? It would never be ok for me to be gay. I would be a disgrace to my parents. It would not be ok for me to be gay. So I hid. I retreated into myself. I withdrew.
Then I became a Christian. All of a sudden, I joined in a community of people who believe that GOD didn’t like gay people. So the message I received is that all of my new brothers and sisters in Christ wouldn’t like me if I was gay…and God didn’t like me as a gay person. So I had to change. It reiterated everything I had learned while I was growing up. I am not ok. I have to change. I am not good. And now, God doesn’t even like who I feel like I am. So I withdrew
Years later, I got married. And you know what I found out when I got married? I found out that I wasn’t ok. Admitting to my wife that I was attracted to a guy in the pool at our hotel on our honeymoon didn’t result in a safe place to admit the truth. And as we continued in marriage, I was reminded about all of the ways that I was failing at being a good husband. As these messages came my way…messages that I was no good…that I wasn’t ok…that I needed to change…I withdrew.
That has been my M.O. for years. I learned it early in life. I’m told I’m no good…so I pull away.
In all of my life, I have never been OK. I have always had to hide…to only let people see parts of me…because I have been told over and over again for 45 years that I am not good, ok, loved, just as I am.
I wonder what it will be like when I can fully come out and live life truthfully and honestly? How will life be different when I can be myself and know that I am ok just as I am?
I hope my life is revolutionized in the future as I’m able to fully be who I am.