Where are things now?  I’ve been asked that a few times in the past couple of days.  So here is a very straight-forward answer on what is going on in the present…

1)  Things between my wife and me are pretty good.  A few nights ago she told me, “When you told me the truth about everything, all of the anger and resentment I had towards you went away.  It all makes sense now and I can’t hold things against you anymore.”  Pretty huge, huh?  So for the past few nights, life around our house has been calm…and my wife has actually been kind of warms towards me.  Who would have thought?

2)  We have decided that we are not going to decide anything right away.  We are allowing things to “simmer”.  My wife stated that she is prepared to live our lives together the way things are.  She is a creature of habit and she likes things comfortable rather than to rock the boat.  Change doesn’t come easy for her.  So while I get the comfortability factor (we HAVE been together for 19 years), I also expressed to her that I don’t want either of us to regret 10 years from now that we stayed together.  I don’t want us to live unfulfilled forever.  We love each other…but we can’t fulfill each other.  Is that good enough?  Some would encourage us to say “yes”.  I don’t know.  I did tell her that I am not making any decisions on my own.  Whatever we decide, I want us to decide together.  If we both agree and both have peace about whatever is decided, then I will know it is the right thing.  So we are just sitting on things right now and letting it all simmer.

3)  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are completely aware of what is going on.  They are being supportive of me…and both of us.  I am thankful for that.  My wife wants to talk to her parents.  We will probably do that in a few weeks.

4)  I met with a representative from another denomination today.  It is the denomination that I was counting on for a future ministry opportunity because the denomination is open and affirming of gay pastors.  I found out that not only are there no open positions in this area, but there are also no funds available for starting a new church.  So cross that one off.  😦

5)  I have one other denomination that I will look into right away.  I know of a gay pastor in that denomination but I am not sure if they are completely accepting of gay clergy.  I am hopeful.  If that is a closed door, there is only one other denomination I will consider and they are still battling the issue of homosexuality, though I know there are gay pastors in that denomination.  We’ll see.

In all of this, it seems that I’m in this land of limbo…and that’s ok.  Time will make everything clear.  I’d appreciate your prayers in all of this!

And one other thing:  thank you to everyone reading this who I know personally.  Your support and care for me through all of this is much appreciated.  Some of you are praying and hoping I will stay in my marriage and current ministry.  Others are praying and hoping for the opposite.  Regardless of where you stand on this, you have all shown me love and support.  And for that, I am truly grateful!


  1. Alan says:

    Hello Pastor!

    I just stumbled upon your blog (following your comment on the Atlanta guy’s blog Travelling Out). Congratulations to you and you wife for making such progress through this difficult period— I think it is amazing the speed at which your wife has come to acceptance of your sexuality… maybe not 100%… but things seem to be moving along in a positive way. I think you both have a great deal of courage.

    How do I know this? I’m 48, bi/gay/confused…I don’t actually know what… married for 19 years with three teeenagers and my wife found out about me just over a year ago by snooping on my computer. I know she suspected for quite a while. I’m sure a wife always knows, in her heart.

    It’s been a difficult time…. lots of drama… and we are still together (more or less) and she told me she doesn’t want a divorce, but I think that just reflects a fear of the unknown. I’m not sure that I want to remain married to someone who can only ‘tolerate’ me… rather than love me completely. I’ve started a blog to share my story with others like us, who I hope, will comment, offer advice, support etc…. I’m just beginning, but please, check it out!


    To close, I admire your courage and commitment to your family and wife. Brighter days are ahead, I’m sure of it.

    Best regards,

  2. I’ve read through your blog. Got here via . . . . well, not sure. A link to a link to a link.
    Sweetie, I know where you are coming from ’cause it’s my story, too. Wife, children, pastor – you name it.
    Today is the first anniversary weekend of coming out to my parish. And I’m still here. Of course, details of our stories are a bit different. But SO much the same. I know the pain, the knots-in-the-stomach. the anguish with God, with myself. The shame and guilt.

    I’ll keep reading. and I’d love to talk. http://mindthebear.blogspot.com

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