Lots of Tears

Posted: January 11, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I just got back from my first counseling session with my wife.  Gosh that was hard!  I found myself having tons of anxiety in the session.  And while my wife shed some tears, I shed more.  That was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through.

It hurts.  Like, really hurts.  It hurts to know that I have caused my wife so much pain.  It hurts to know that I have failed at being a husband.  It hurts to know that in my lack of emotional health, I have damaged my kids.  And it hurts to know that there is nothing I can do to have passion for my wife.  Gay men don’t have passion for women.  On one hand, I can accept the fact that I “can’t” but on the other hand, I so desperately wanted to!

I think that is what is so hard.  I wish I could be a straight man who was passionately in love with and desirous of his wife.  But I can’t and so I feel like I have failed.  As my counselor said today, though, we can’t look back at what has been done.  I can’t focus on what I haven’t been able to do and how I have failed my wife.  I have to look at reality and move forward.  I guess I’m grieving the loss of the fantasy of being a good, straight, husband.  Letting go of that illusion is hard.  I so wanted to be that.

It’s hard for me to admit that to my wife.  I desperately wish I could be all that she needs and desires.  Admitting that I don’t believe I ever can be…and that I know I will continue to hurt her if we stay together…is difficult to swallow.  For me, owning who I am and who I am not is very painful.

So today in the counseling office, I did a lot of crying.  And I think reality is really setting in with my wife.  She knows, deep down, that we don’t have a future together.  But I have to say it.  I have to own that.  And I’m just so scared to do so.  It seals  so many things into stone.

It is just so unimaginable to say, “I love you but I believe we will both be better off if we weren’t together.”  It is so hard to say, “I love you…I really do…but the truth is that we will never make each other happy.”  Can the highest demonstration of love truly be to let go and to set the other free?

Again…lots of tears.


  1. Pomo says:

    woah… I don’t check in for a week and so much happens! I’m speechless. What big, exciting, scary place you are in. I don’t rejoice in the breaking up of a family. But I also don’t think staying together is always the best option either. I have always tried not to share too much of my opinion on your blog because this has been your journey. And you’re going to have to live with the results. All I know is that it is good to live in the truth of who we are. That enables us to really relate to God in our whole being. (we’ve both seen how miserable someone can become when they’re not being true to themselves )

    I will have to check back more often.

  2. Womanwarriorpoet says:

    I have been thinking about you since very early this morning, during my devotions you and your family have weighed heavily in my spirit. I lifted you up all this morning but I did not have peace–it is just not enough for me to pray. God compels me to reach out, to reach out with deep love. I just want to pick up the phone and call but I know this is such a transitional time for you, where the utmost of discretion-patience and support is needed. I am reading your BLOG and my heart hurts. It hurts because I have been in a very similar place, not the same issues but in a place of facing tremendous painful change–change I did not want to face or deal with but change I knew was inevitable. If I could do it all over again, I wish I could find the clarity, the wisdom, the strength and the direction to make decisions about process, about proceeding forward without so much damage, damage to me, damage to my ex and damage to my children. Is it possible? Is it at all possible to move forward in a different way than how we were taught, is it possible to move forward in a way that feels right, is it possible to be who God made us to be, embrace who we are, move forward secure in the knowledge that being who I really am will inevitably be the very best thing for me, the best thing for person I love (with all of my heart) but cannot be with and the best thing for my children? During my time of transition–I made hurtful decisions because I was protecting my feelings, protecting my heat, protecting my pride and ultimately everyone was wounded even more! When we make decisions from a place of protecting ourselves or make decisions to “move away from” those we love so deeply just because it is so tough to be in this place of difficult unknown change–when we move away from those we are committed to because we are also trying to move toward who we are but not wanting to wound them–why does the pain even more intense? This is tough work–but it is the work of healthy relationship. The easy decisions, the easy way–is a way of shutting things down, closing things out, retreating to a place of woundedness. YES–it hurts like a muther because–you are both trying to find a way to do all of this in a new way–a healthy way–a way that society will not allow you to move without repercussions. But I am hear to share with you today–that you can free ALL those who are imprisoned by “expectation” by moving forward with a sincere grace, a sincere devotion to a process of being fully present in the pain. I beckon–our church–our society–our world–to enable us to be fully present in the lives of those we love while simultaneously moving toward who we really are? Yes, I know society, people, the church will not let us–so many rules about right and wrong but let’s say–just this once, with the love and support of a new community of believers, a community of those who fully embrace the complexities of the Gospel–that we move forward even with the messiness of change and transformation but still remain present with those we love who are trying to find the healthiest way to adjust to dramatic change. Jesus did it and he often told us we can do it too. Why does moving forward with who we are have to involve moving away, wounding others–unintentionally of course–but why? This is so frustrating to me because you have to hide, you have to protect your family, you have to protect your spouse and your church–you have to hide because we, all of us, as a society have made being who we really are something bad, something wrong, something to be “decided” or judged. I am praying this morning that both you, your spouse and your children will be able to come through all of this, healthier, stronger, happier, whole–YES–WHOLE even despite the limitations of people-community and the church. I am praying that in due time, you will feel even more invigorated about the gospel of love and peace and move toward helping the church change-grow-transform, I am praying that in due time your wife will find peace in knowing that you being who you really are frees her to be who she really is–ever thought of that? (it is not easy being married to a gay man whom you love who cannot ever love you the way you truly desire), I am praying that in due time when she embraces who she really is (because she has had to hide too) that God blesses her with a love relationship that will catapult her to that place of overwhelming peace and joy, I am praying that each and every one of your children who find healing and joy and comfort in knowing that even if their parents cannot be together in a marital relationship that the “change” they are experiencing will change them in a healthy way, change them in a good way, transform them, empower them to be who God made them to be without all of the nonsense, rigmarole and hiding you and your wife have had to endure. We need to free ourselves first loved ones, we need to free ourselves first then we can free our children and yes–I pray free our church, a church that is so deeply bound by human tradition, human expectation and human wisdom or lack thereof–which from my experience binds and limits us all the more. I am praying for you dear brother, each and every day during this very difficult time. I will not move away from you, I will not abandon you. I will not hide my joy for you. I will run toward you–in celebration, in support and in hope for a better church, a better community–yes a better world where we do not have to hide our brilliance any longer. In Christ’s most healing and transforming love always–me–trying to be who I really am–ME.

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