I just got back from my first counseling session with my wife. Gosh that was hard! I found myself having tons of anxiety in the session. And while my wife shed some tears, I shed more. That was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through.
It hurts. Like, really hurts. It hurts to know that I have caused my wife so much pain. It hurts to know that I have failed at being a husband. It hurts to know that in my lack of emotional health, I have damaged my kids. And it hurts to know that there is nothing I can do to have passion for my wife. Gay men don’t have passion for women. On one hand, I can accept the fact that I “can’t” but on the other hand, I so desperately wanted to!
I think that is what is so hard. I wish I could be a straight man who was passionately in love with and desirous of his wife. But I can’t and so I feel like I have failed. As my counselor said today, though, we can’t look back at what has been done. I can’t focus on what I haven’t been able to do and how I have failed my wife. I have to look at reality and move forward. I guess I’m grieving the loss of the fantasy of being a good, straight, husband. Letting go of that illusion is hard. I so wanted to be that.
It’s hard for me to admit that to my wife. I desperately wish I could be all that she needs and desires. Admitting that I don’t believe I ever can be…and that I know I will continue to hurt her if we stay together…is difficult to swallow. For me, owning who I am and who I am not is very painful.
So today in the counseling office, I did a lot of crying. And I think reality is really setting in with my wife. She knows, deep down, that we don’t have a future together. But I have to say it. I have to own that. And I’m just so scared to do so. It seals so many things into stone.
It is just so unimaginable to say, “I love you but I believe we will both be better off if we weren’t together.” It is so hard to say, “I love you…I really do…but the truth is that we will never make each other happy.” Can the highest demonstration of love truly be to let go and to set the other free?
Again…lots of tears.