As I have been processing the experiences of my life, I have come to the realization that I have been experiencing “leakage” in various ways for many years. You may ask what I mean by “leakage”. Well, I’m realizing that for my whole life, I have been trying to suppress my sexuality. It is almost like I have been trying to push something down into a box and then I have tried to put a lid on that box. But in pushing it down year after year, I have been expending a lot of energy trying to deny something that won’t die because it is a very real thing. So in pushing it down, all I’ve really done is added pressure to a very real part of me. The result is that the pressure has built up over time and my sexuality has “leaked” out in various ways over the years. The problem with leaks is that they don’t come at opportune times and they usually bust out in ways that you don’t want them to.
Let me tell you, that picture above really represents my life. I have been tried to be a good pastor, a good father, a good husband, etc. And I have felt that to be all of those things, I had to deny my sexuality. I viewed my sexuality as a defect…something that was caused by traumas in my early life. So as time went on and I continued to deny the truth of my sexuality, I sprung leaks. Internet pornography. Cruising. Online chatting. Sexualized friendships. Fantasy. I have been an utter failure at suppressing this part of me.
Here’s the crazy thing. Since getting into counseling and beginning to accept the reality of my sexuality, the leaks have stopped! The pressure has been released because I have been dealing with my sexuality in honest, open ways. I have found encouragement and support in relationships that I have opened up to. I’m not denying it anymore. In a sense, I have taken the lid off the box, releasing the pressure, and the leaks have stopped. In embracing the truth of who I am, I am no longer “leaking out” in unhealthy or inappropriate ways. Truth is setting me free!
My ultimate goal in beginning this journey was to find emotional health. It’s amazing how that health is happening now that I am coming to terms with who I am and not trying to live in denial.
No more leakage for me. Health and wholeness is what I am holding onto!