So I was laying in bed this morning and I realized something else. Let me give a little background first…
In 4th grade, a friend of mine and I explored things sexually together. Even at 9 years old, I thoroughly enjoyed what I was experiencing. And as I got into Reparative Therapy, I pointed back to those experiences in 4th and 5th grade as the lynchpin to when everything started with my sexuality. I believed that my unhealthy home life led me to a place where I was yearning for love…especially from men…and when the opportunity to explore with my friend came up, I welcomed it and it seared things into my mind that pointed me towards homosexuality. And then when I hit puberty, that’s when I really found myself extremely attracted to other boys.
But that leads to my realization. This morning when I was laying in bed, I remembered that I was attracted to men at an even younger age. It may not have been sexual at the time, but I felt drawn to pictures of two different teen idols of the day. I remember as far back as 2nd grade staring at pictures of…
I used to listen to his music and swoon over him…just like the girls did.
And probably around 5th grade, I got all dreamy about…
Why would a young boy be drawn to pics and record covers of these two guys? My only answer is that my sexuality was ingrained in my long before puberty. My attraction to David Cassidy started BEFORE my experience with my friend. I had this innate attraction to men that was going on in subtle ways from a very early age.
This realization this morning was extremely enlightening to me. It has been hard for me to admit that my sexuality has “always” been a part of me, like many gay people say is true of their experience. But I’m realizing that it really is true of me too.
I’ve been attracted to men for as long as I can remember!