An “a-ha” Moment

Posted: December 16, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I had a big realization in my counseling appointment this week.

One of the things that I have been working on with my counselor (besides my sexuality) is the fact that I was raised in a narcissistic home.  My dad is a narcissist and that affected a lot of things in my home life.  One of the things that I have learned in counseling is that narcissists “groom” the people around them to believe that they don’t matter…only the desires of the narcissist matter.  So as I grew up, everything in our home revolved around my dad…his thoughts…his likes/dislikes…what he approved of and disapproved of.  And I had a very hard time getting to the place in my life where I could stand up for myself and what mattered to me.

Ultimately, that continued on throughout my life.  I have always had a hard time making myself a priority.  I always take care of everyone else but don’t do a very good job taking care of myself.  And that played out well in ministry!  I mean, come on, aren’t pastors supposed to care for everyone else?  That thinking played well with my whole concept of Christianity.  After all, I read in the Bible that we are supposed to think of others as more important than ourselves!  For many years now, I have never made anything “about me”.  It’s always about others.  I don’t even know how to focus on myself and to make things about me.

And that led to an “a-ha” moment in counseling this week.  I am feeling guilty right now with putting so much focus on my journey and what is going on in my life.  I am bending over backwards to make sure that I don’t do anything to hurt my family.  I am feeling very hesitant to take any more steps forward in the journey of my sexuality because I know I will hurt people and I would rather subvert my desires (hence the past 18 years of marriage) than to hurt my family.  I feel guilty because it feels like I would be making decisions that are “all about me”.  But as I was reminded by my counselor, I can actually do more damage to others by not being authentically me than if I choose to make some things about me right now.

Dammit…I want it to be about ME for once!

So I am going to learn to care for myself and to take a stand for the authentic “me”.  And in the midst of that, I am going to trust God for the best for everyone involved…including me!

 

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Comments
  1. wellnessmom says:

    That is certainly a normal feeling for all of us humans to feel… we want to have things be about us. And I do get the point that we all need to take care of ourselves. That is important, especially in ministry.
    However, as a Christian, I believe that we are supposed to follow Christ’s example of denying self and bringing glory to the Father. Loving God and loving others… love is not self-serving, right? As I have been reading your blog (I’ve read several of your most recent posts), I really am struggling with how you can truthfully believe you are honoring God by potentially abandoning the marriage commitment you made to your wife. And not to mention your children. I don’t want to sound judgmental – I am honestly interested in your answer. I completely recognize your need to be yourself, but at what expense? I’d love to know your response if you feel you can share.

  2. Kimberly says:

    Just because your out of the closet & now capable of living a full inclusion life while claiming to be gay as a pasture does NOT mean you are heading in the right direction Heaven so to speak! All it means is you are living a reckless & self districting life.. So to say you are now walking alone alone with other God created creatures that are headed to a life of Eternity of destruction..
    I will pray for you and the many more whom are lost in yourselves…

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