My process has stalled. I think it is because reality is setting in. Things are going to be moving soon from something just inside my head to the reality of beginning to live out what I have come to discover. That, my friends, has huge consequences and is very scary!
First of all, I realize that if I was to pursue living out the truth of who I am, it would mean that I would have to leave the church where I am a staff pastor. You see, the denomination I am with does not condone homosexuality. Honestly, I love my church. I really do. I love the people there…I have great relationships…and I am more connected than I have ever been while in ministry. And I am more happy in ministry than I ever have been. So to leave such an environment would cause a lot of sadness in my life. I don’t want to leave that church.
Secondly, I am currently watching a friend go through what appears to be the beginning of the end of his marriage. I am watching the toll it is taking on him, his wife, and his kids. Granted, his situation is far different from mine, but seeing what he is going through really paints a picture of the pain of divorce. Honestly, I’m afraid of that deep pain. And I’m afraid of what it would do to my kids. Plus, I’m watching how my wife is responding to the crisis in our friends’ marriage. Her responses are indicators to me of what her thinking is regarding divorce and the messiness involved. Again, I’m afraid of dealing with that.
So maybe I’m dealing with fear? Maybe I’m trying to avoid pain? Maybe I’m just bracing myself for the pain that is ahead and making sure I’m ready for it? I don’t know. All I know is that I am stalled and not moving forwards or backwards right now.
And maybe that’s good. It’s the Christmas season. Maybe I just need to pause and get into the New Year and deal with the holiday right now.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.