I’m at a crossroads. I knew this time would be coming. It’s here. At times it scares the hell out of me and at other times I get excited. It is time to choose a road and go forward.
This past week was intense. I ended up having two sessions with my counselor because of all that is going on in my head. My counselor actually requested the second meeting (and provided it free of charge!) because she recognized that I have arrived at a crossroads. During that second meeting, I told her that I feel like I have reconciled being gay internally but now it is time to live that out externally. Doing so is beyond scary for me. It affects everything in my whole life and I have built a life that does not fit being gay at all. One again, my counselor asked if I wanted to keep going with all of this. She did say though, “I do think you are past the point of no return.” I totally agree with her. I can’t go backwards. I know too much now. I have to move forward.
So I’m standing at a crossroads, looking at the intersection I’ve come to in my life. Turning around and going back is impossible…I can’t unlearn everything I’ve learned and come to realize in the past 5 months. So I can choose to go either right or left as I press forward. Turning to the right means choosing to live with what I know and yet stay in the closet so as not to “upset the apple cart” of life. Turning to the left means choosing to embrace who I am, a gay man, and beginning the scary journey of learning what it means for me to live that out. Turning to the left means I begin by bringing my wife into the conversation…and eventually many others. From there, things could end up going a zillion different ways.
I’m standing at a crossroads…and I actually know which way I am going to turn. I have to turn to the left. The path to the left is the only path to authenticity and true spiritual/emotional/mental health. So slowly…very slowly…I’m going to begin to turn left and see where the path leads me. I know there is a lot of pain down that path…but there is freedom…and ultimately down that path, there is God.
One person who has inspired me in the past couple of weeks is Bishop Jim Swilley. He is a pastor of a large charismatic church in Georgia and he recently came out to his congregation. I spoke to him on the phone this week and while he gave me many cautions, he also provided a lot of inspiration. If you aren’t familiar with him being in the news, here is a video of his recent interview with Joy Behar.