I Don’t Know What I Want

Posted: October 22, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I am so confused right now.  I honestly don’t know what I want.  I think that is one of the hardest things about this journey that I’m on.  I know what is true…but I don’t know what I want.  So that just leaves me with a bunch of questions.

The hard thing is that I want answers.  I am a typical guy…I like to find a solution for every problem.  Right now, I don’t have any solutions.

I am married and have children.  I love my kids.  I love my wife.  I don’t think I’m IN love with my wife and my counselor is helping me to process if I have ever loved her as more than just a good friend.  Tough stuff, to say the least.  I don’t want to lose my kids and I don’t want my wife to hate me.  But do I want to live my life the way I have for the past 20 years?  I don’t think I can.  So what does that mean?  I don’t know.  And I don’t know what I want.

I have always longed to be with a man.  In many ways, I am sure I have romanticized being in love with a man and having an intimate relationship…the way a married couple would.  Do I want that?  I would be lying if I said no.  But do I want it so badly that I am willing to risk my kids and what I already have in hopes that I will get that?  I don’t know.  It’s a huge risk.  What if I never get that?

I am in my 40’s.  Midlife.  I have what most people dream of…a good career, a wife, children, a middle-class home in a nice community.  Do I want to toss that aside?  A friend of mine who is going through the same thing that I am has told me about conversations he has had with gay men.  Most of the gay men he knows have told him to stay with his wife and family.  They have all said, “You have exactly what we want…don’t abandon that!”  Wow.  What do I do with such comments?  If I decided to pursue my true identity and live it out, would I regret leaving what I already have?

Let me say it again…I’m in my 40’s.  If I were to pursue a gay relationship, would I ever find one that would be worth it all?  Are the good men already taken?  And who would want me…with a bit of a tummy and some gray hair?

Maybe I just work on losing weight…

Let’s be honest…I’m a Christian…a pastor.  The gay community is a small percentage of our population and those who are gay AND Christian are an extremely small group.  Would I fit into that group?  Would I find the love of my life in that very small group?

I guess, when it all boils down, I have a lot of things I’ve always wanted.  I don’t want to lose those things.  AND, I have always yearned for something that I don’t have…a truly intimate relationship with a man…and I question if pursuing that will be worth all that I would have to give up to get that.

I just don’t know what I want.

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Comments
  1. dave says:

    I used to think exactly the same thing. I know I wasn’t in love with my ex wife but I did love her. It was my kids that I was worried about but all is good. That’s not to say that’s going to be the same for you. It is such a difficult decision to make. I also thought the same about my looks and my weight but my partner, that I have now, loves ME and we love each other more each day. It’s like something I could have only dreamt of. I was so scared to come out. When I did I was 46 and it took me hours at first to tell my closest friends. I’d be at their place all psyched up to tell them and I’d almost be out the door leaving and feeling sick to the bone and then I would just blurt it out. You know I have had no bad reactions. My partner’s sister had a huge problem when he told her and told him that I would never be welcome there. 6 months later I was invited to her place for their family Xmas dinner. I almost had to be picked up off the ground when I got the invite.
    Things do work out but I know this will be one of the hardest decisions you ever make. The only difference between you and me is that I had already left my wife before anything was discovered. All I know, in any situation like this, the longer it goes on for, the worse you feel. As Cher sung, if I could turn back time, but unfortunately you can’t.

  2. Dawn says:

    “I like to find a solution for every problem. Right now, I don’t have any solutions.”
    Considering the faith we have, there are many times we don’t have answers or solutions for what we believe in but we know deep down if we tried to be something different than the faith that has called us, it would be like suicide.
    Sometimes faith is all we have, and he have to step out blindly with only that to hold us up.

  3. Thanks for this. It’s almost like I see a progression in your life that mirrors my own. I remember telling myself I didn’t know what I wanted, but in reality it’s because I was afraid to say what I really want. I want to be free to be out publicly and pursue a romantic relationship with a man. And I want to love and honor my wife. And I want to love and care for my children. That’s what I want.

    • Pastor Chris says:

      Yes…totally. And it can be done. It looks messy. Pain will be involved. But don’t ever think that pain doesn’t equal love. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do will also bring the most pain. Just look at Jesus…

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