I am so confused right now. I honestly don’t know what I want. I think that is one of the hardest things about this journey that I’m on. I know what is true…but I don’t know what I want. So that just leaves me with a bunch of questions.
The hard thing is that I want answers. I am a typical guy…I like to find a solution for every problem. Right now, I don’t have any solutions.
I am married and have children. I love my kids. I love my wife. I don’t think I’m IN love with my wife and my counselor is helping me to process if I have ever loved her as more than just a good friend. Tough stuff, to say the least. I don’t want to lose my kids and I don’t want my wife to hate me. But do I want to live my life the way I have for the past 20 years? I don’t think I can. So what does that mean? I don’t know. And I don’t know what I want.
I have always longed to be with a man. In many ways, I am sure I have romanticized being in love with a man and having an intimate relationship…the way a married couple would. Do I want that? I would be lying if I said no. But do I want it so badly that I am willing to risk my kids and what I already have in hopes that I will get that? I don’t know. It’s a huge risk. What if I never get that?
I am in my 40’s. Midlife. I have what most people dream of…a good career, a wife, children, a middle-class home in a nice community. Do I want to toss that aside? A friend of mine who is going through the same thing that I am has told me about conversations he has had with gay men. Most of the gay men he knows have told him to stay with his wife and family. They have all said, “You have exactly what we want…don’t abandon that!” Wow. What do I do with such comments? If I decided to pursue my true identity and live it out, would I regret leaving what I already have?
Let me say it again…I’m in my 40’s. If I were to pursue a gay relationship, would I ever find one that would be worth it all? Are the good men already taken? And who would want me…with a bit of a tummy and some gray hair?
Maybe I just work on losing weight…
Let’s be honest…I’m a Christian…a pastor. The gay community is a small percentage of our population and those who are gay AND Christian are an extremely small group. Would I fit into that group? Would I find the love of my life in that very small group?
I guess, when it all boils down, I have a lot of things I’ve always wanted. I don’t want to lose those things. AND, I have always yearned for something that I don’t have…a truly intimate relationship with a man…and I question if pursuing that will be worth all that I would have to give up to get that.
I just don’t know what I want.