Where Do I Fit?

Posted: October 21, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m really struggling right now.  The reason is that I don’t know where I fit.  This is something that I’ve struggled with for years and the feeling is intensifying right now.

I’ve always felt “different”.  As a kid, I didn’t relate with many of the other boys who were all about sports.  In high school I wasn’t cool…I was a band-geek…and I started having feelings for guys on campus.  That continued into college and I carried around this “secret” with me everywhere I went.  So I felt different.  I didn’t fit in.  I got married and continued to struggle with being attracted to men while being married to a woman.  That felt different.  As a pastor, I have always been more liberal and radical than everyone else in my churches and that made me different.  I am not a football fan so I don’t relate to all the men that are.  I love musicals and my wife and sons love football.  THAT has really made me feel different.  So in all of the feelings of being different, I have always felt that I never fully “fit in”.

The same is true now.  I feel like I am straddling several worlds and I don’t feel like I fit into any of them.  I am married but I’m gay.  I am in a conservative church but I am more liberal.  I don’t completely fit in the straight world.  But I don’t know that I fit in the gay world either.  One of the things that I argued with my counselor about is that when she used the term “gay”, it brought up images in my mind of feminine or flamboyant men.  And I don’t fit either of those descriptions!  I can’t get all campy…that’s not me!

So who am I?

I am a middle-aged man who is married to a woman and attracted to men.  I like the urban vibe but I prefer to live in the suburbs.  I am a Christian and a pastor.  I am just a regular guy.  I don’t fit any stereotypes.

In my 40’s, I’m trying to find myself.

Where do I fit???

 

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Comments
  1. dawn says:

    I don’t fit any of the labels either. I tried to fit into certain “groups” or labels used in the glbt community and I didn’t feel comfortable in any of them. Eventually, I just determined I need to be me. Enjoy my life and be comfortable with that alone.

  2. dave says:

    Your journey, apart from the religious side of things, sounds so much like mine. As to where do we fit in , that is a hard question. Mention the word gay and the majority of people immediately picture a camp guy mincing around in Kylie’s gold hotpants. It is very frustrating. All the gay mardi gras that cities have, to support gays are really sending out the wrong signals. They give the impression to people that we are all sex starved sleazes…and we aren’t!. I am 49, have been married with 2 girls and now have the most amazing partner that I have been with for almost 3 years now. He too has been married and has 2 boys. Being from a baptist family, his family are still struggling with “us”. Don’t get me wrong, they really do think the world of me but can’t accept our sexuality. His mother and father are beautiful people but I never get introduced to anyone as his partner. It’s always as a good friend who supports him. Sometimes I feel like an alien and at times I just want to get my frustrations out and tell his parents exactly what I am thinking. I know that will just make matters worse and we just have to remember that they are really the ones with the issue. We are just, finally, being who we are. Being true to ourselves at last without pretending anymore.
    When my ex found out that I was with a man she asked me “but what were we?”. I told her that I loved her but in a different way to how I feel now. I never told her this but I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about another human being in my life…it is amazing. I also told her how dangerous the 70’s and 80’s were for gay people here in Australia, and I assume all over the world. Gay bashings and killings were always in the newspapers. I truly believe this is why there are so many men in their 40’s and 50’s, in the last 10 years or so, finally coming out.
    As far as the children go, mine love my partner and we often watch tv and discuss what guy is hot. When I talk about my kids, they are 18 and 20. My partner’s boys are 11 and 14. His ex is in denial that they know anything about us. They do know but they obviously haven’t mentioned it to her. I mean to say, we sleep in the same bed together and the 14 year old is in high school. She can’t be that naive to think that they wouldn’t know, surely. Let’s just say my partner is on a little holiday until mid next year. I am with him nearly every weekend and whenever his boys visit him I am always there. We all get on so well, it’s great.
    I have been through most of the feelings that you have and have been through hell and back with things in my life. I have finally decided that life is too short to be worrying about what people think and from next year when my man is home again life is going to be amazing. This blog has brought back so many emotions that I really had forgotten.
    All I can say is, be true to yourself and things really do work out in the long run.

  3. Jiggy D says:

    I know the ache of this feeling well. There have been many time I’ve looked around a group of guys and thought, “I have no clue how to connect here”. I remember the men in my church grunting like apes every time information about the men’s retreat was announced. This was so ridiculous that I would just roll my eyes and shake my head. This is just one very small example of something that could trigger my disgust/uncomfortability with masculinity while at the same time could trigger my feeling of just not “fitting in”. Interestingly, it wasn’t until I read this post today that I realized I haven’t been aware of that feeling very much lately.

  4. toujoursdan says:

    Most gay men aren’t that flamboyant or campy these days. It’s definitely a minority (though you see it on TV pretty often.) In 1950s-1970s American culture (and in African or Latin cultures) it was more acceptable for gay men to be effeminate than masculine. But now that gay culture is mainstream, people act more like themselves. You’ll see a lot of variety nowadays.

  5. I’m with you. Thank God my family likes musical theater. 🙂 I remember the anxiety of all those “be a real man” books I read during my ex-gay years. If I would just change my oil, throw a football, watch basketball on TV, drink some beer and have manly non-sexual friends… I could be a real man.

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