I’m really struggling right now. The reason is that I don’t know where I fit. This is something that I’ve struggled with for years and the feeling is intensifying right now.
I’ve always felt “different”. As a kid, I didn’t relate with many of the other boys who were all about sports. In high school I wasn’t cool…I was a band-geek…and I started having feelings for guys on campus. That continued into college and I carried around this “secret” with me everywhere I went. So I felt different. I didn’t fit in. I got married and continued to struggle with being attracted to men while being married to a woman. That felt different. As a pastor, I have always been more liberal and radical than everyone else in my churches and that made me different. I am not a football fan so I don’t relate to all the men that are. I love musicals and my wife and sons love football. THAT has really made me feel different. So in all of the feelings of being different, I have always felt that I never fully “fit in”.
The same is true now. I feel like I am straddling several worlds and I don’t feel like I fit into any of them. I am married but I’m gay. I am in a conservative church but I am more liberal. I don’t completely fit in the straight world. But I don’t know that I fit in the gay world either. One of the things that I argued with my counselor about is that when she used the term “gay”, it brought up images in my mind of feminine or flamboyant men. And I don’t fit either of those descriptions! I can’t get all campy…that’s not me!
So who am I?
I am a middle-aged man who is married to a woman and attracted to men. I like the urban vibe but I prefer to live in the suburbs. I am a Christian and a pastor. I am just a regular guy. I don’t fit any stereotypes.
In my 40’s, I’m trying to find myself.
Where do I fit???