Posted: October 17, 2010 in Uncategorized
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I’ve been taking Prozac for the past 5-6 years for depression.  And it has taken me that many years to figure out why I am depressed!

Gee, do you think I am dealing with depression because I’m trying to repress who I am?  For so many years, I have had to push down the real me and to try to act like it wasn’t true.  I’ve been living a lie!  Each and every day, I put on my “straight” mask and go on about my day.  And that’s all it is…a mask.  I’ve been “acting” straight.  My act has been so good that it got me a wife and kids as well as a position as a very straight pastor.  Everyone just assumes I’m straight (though maybe a few have their suspicions) and all the while, I have been dying inside because I am living a lie.  And now I’m coming to the realization that the reason I battle depression is because I haven’t been true to myself.  I think the pressure has built up for years and by stuffing it all, I have ended up dealing with depression.

Weekends are the worst.  I’m just realizing that this weekend.  I think what happens is I get busy with life and ministry through the week so I don’t feel it.  But when the weekend comes, I have more down time and I have tons of time with my family.  Now I’m not saying that family time is bad…please understand that!  But what I’m saying is that as I spend time with my family, I have a deep sense of what I’m missing…a deep-level connection with a man.  I feel lonely on the weekends.  It is on those days that I most feel out of place and that I have a deep need that is not being met.  I go to my kids’ sporting events and see the other family men there and I feel so different from them.  I watch my wife root for our kids and I think, “I should be loving the fact that I am at a game, cheering on my kids, and my wife is a huge sports fan so, as a man, I should be in heaven!”  But I’m not.  I’m not a big sports fan.  My wife is a bigger one than me.  And that reminds me that I’m different.  It’s a lonely place.

I don’t know what’s ahead.  But I do know that I desire to feel more connected in life and I wish to get beyond the depression.  Until then, I’ll pop my Prozac, I’ll deal with the weekends as they are, and I’ll have a lot of thoughts going on in my head that no one else knows about concerning loneliness, depression, and feeling like I just don’t fit.

  1. Dawn says:

    When I was trying to deal with my religion and being gay, I was also in a deep depression – attempted suicide twice. Once I got away from my religion, I realized I didn’t need anti-depressants. Wish it could be that easy for all people.

  2. toujoursdan says:

    No doubt that your conflict is a contributing factor in your depression, but it may not be the only one. Many of us have congenital depression. I don’t know what your family history is like, but you may want to work with your counsellor to develop coping mechanisms. My depression is mild, so I’m not on medications. I went through about a year of talk therapy which taught me to recognize and respond to it. I guess my point here is not to expect that your depression will be lifted once you are fully out. Hopefully it will though.

    It’s also important to say that even after successfully coming out, if you choose to date other gay men, remember that you’re still wounded and the people you date are going to be wounded. There is a lot of b. s. in yourself and in others you’ll have to deal with in order to find the right partner; far more so in the gay community than the straight community. It’s also important to remember that since this is a community shunned by mainstream culture and religion, there are no rules about how to behave. So find people who share your values who will support you and keep you accountable. Obviously you can’t just jump churches at this point, but finding a gay friendly spiritual community is key here.

  3. Clark says:

    Finally another married guy who admits to the same feeling I have about sports and the family. I hate that I don’t feel anything when I go to my kids games. In fact I’ve pulled them away from them. I feel like such a bad dad, in addition to being gay. I am taking the whole fam to Wicked this weekend. Wife loves musicals to, thank God.
    I just found your blog today. I feel like I can relate on a million levels. If you’d like, I’d love to get to know you better. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail.


  4. I’m on meds too. I had to get on antidepressants this last summer. I was more depressed than I have ever been. I have a natural optimistic and cheerful personality… I’m a regular Pollyanna. But this season of life has absolutely destroyed me. And you’re absolutely right. I’ve realized it’s all about denying the real me all these years. Putting on a costume and mask every single day. It’s just too damn much. No one should have to do this.

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