I’ve been taking Prozac for the past 5-6 years for depression. And it has taken me that many years to figure out why I am depressed!
Gee, do you think I am dealing with depression because I’m trying to repress who I am? For so many years, I have had to push down the real me and to try to act like it wasn’t true. I’ve been living a lie! Each and every day, I put on my “straight” mask and go on about my day. And that’s all it is…a mask. I’ve been “acting” straight. My act has been so good that it got me a wife and kids as well as a position as a very straight pastor. Everyone just assumes I’m straight (though maybe a few have their suspicions) and all the while, I have been dying inside because I am living a lie. And now I’m coming to the realization that the reason I battle depression is because I haven’t been true to myself. I think the pressure has built up for years and by stuffing it all, I have ended up dealing with depression.
Weekends are the worst. I’m just realizing that this weekend. I think what happens is I get busy with life and ministry through the week so I don’t feel it. But when the weekend comes, I have more down time and I have tons of time with my family. Now I’m not saying that family time is bad…please understand that! But what I’m saying is that as I spend time with my family, I have a deep sense of what I’m missing…a deep-level connection with a man. I feel lonely on the weekends. It is on those days that I most feel out of place and that I have a deep need that is not being met. I go to my kids’ sporting events and see the other family men there and I feel so different from them. I watch my wife root for our kids and I think, “I should be loving the fact that I am at a game, cheering on my kids, and my wife is a huge sports fan so, as a man, I should be in heaven!” But I’m not. I’m not a big sports fan. My wife is a bigger one than me. And that reminds me that I’m different. It’s a lonely place.
I don’t know what’s ahead. But I do know that I desire to feel more connected in life and I wish to get beyond the depression. Until then, I’ll pop my Prozac, I’ll deal with the weekends as they are, and I’ll have a lot of thoughts going on in my head that no one else knows about concerning loneliness, depression, and feeling like I just don’t fit.