How Did I Get Here? (Part 2)

Posted: September 26, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

At the same time that I began counseling with Joe Dallas, I met the “woman of my dreams”.  She seemed to be very “into” me and since I was on my quest to become a husband, father, and good pastor, it became easy to date someone who was interested in me.  I loved the attention that I got from her and she seemed to be exactly the type of woman I was looking for.  I remember coming home from my second date with her and saying to my roommate:  “I’m going to marry that girl.  I know it already.  Just you wait and see.”  We had our first date at the end of April and we went out several times in May and the beginning of June.  She went home for two months in the summer before coming back.  We then dated for 2.5 more months before I proposed.  I had won this girl’s heart by being a nice, sensitive guy who had a vision to be a pastor.  We had a 7-month engagement and then tied the knot.  So in the span of 15 months, we met, dated, had two months apart, date some more, got engaged, prepared for a wedding, and then got married.  I was happy and believed I was on my way to conquering “the sin of homosexuality” that I had struggled with for so long.

One thing you need to know is that before we got engaged, I told my wife about my “struggle with homosexuality”.  I knew that I couldn’t get married with that as a secret.  I told her that I was in counseling dealing with that issue and told her that I had never gotten involved physically with a guy (which at that time was true).  Her brother was gay, which gave her an understanding of the issue.  For the sake of love, I guess, she said that it didn’t matter and she loved me anyway.

I should have known something was wrong based on a few significant things that happened on our honeymoon.  After arriving at our honeymoon destination, we enjoyed our first evening in tropical paradise and a great night of sex.  The next morning, I woke up first and turned to see my naked bride in bed next to me.  At that moment, I had a flash of panic.  I still remember the thought that went through my mind:  “Oh my God, what have I done?!?!”  I talked myself back down by reminding myself that this was what I always wanted and I was sure that other guys felt that way after taking the leap into marriage.  But then the second thing happened.  I was in the swimming pool the next day and a GORGEOUS guy who totally fit the mold of what I like physically in a man was in the pool as well.  I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  I stood in the pool, struggling with my thoughts, thinking, “I’m on my honeymoon with a great woman but I am totally hot for the guy across the pool!”  My wife came up, noticed my thoughts were elsewhere, and asked me what was the matter.  I decided to ‘fess up and told her there was a guy around who I was attracted to.  She scanned the pool area and immediately figured out who it was.  “It’s him, isn’t it?”  “Yes,” I admitted.  My wife was hurt.  I felt shame.  And I decided that maybe it wasn’t good to talk about my attractions with my wife.

Little did I know that this was only the beginning of the inner-conflict that would face me in my marriage!

  1. Dawn says:

    Wow, honeymoon – that is a big one to deal with.. for both of you!

    I look forward to reading about your journey and blogging definitely has helped me to organize my thoughts.

    God bless.

  2. iloveguardo says:

    I am very interested to see what else you have to say. Keep writing! =] and thank you for sharing. You are not alone.

  3. toujoursdan says:

    Your life and faith journey is fascinating. Looking forward to your next post.

  4. I’m so glad to have found your blog. You’re writing my life too, my friend.

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